00 Time to Die
by Master Dark Capn
Summary: This is a story about agent 007 James Bond and then he has to go to Spain to beat the evil bad guy there. The only way to find out what happens in this story is to read it instead of scrolling past it on the list.
1. England Royale

**James Bond: 00 Time to Die**

**Chapter 1: England Royale**

James Bond was studying in his den. His home didn't always have a den, he'd had it added only recently because he wanted a place to read, write, and study. It wasn't as though he had much to write, though. He suffered from a pretty constant case of writer's block, and would eventually give up on writing entirely. It wasn't that he wasn't creative, just that his creative juices were more effectively applied toward secret spy plans.

He was really good at coming up with secret spy plans. As a 00 agent, he frequently had to come up with plans that went far above and beyond the outline set for him by his boss who was in charge of him. One time he came up with a great plan, when he was on the ropes against a bad guy, so he came up with a plan to escape. This was a smart move, because he needed to escape. Once he got out he was able to come up with another plan to bomb the bad guy's lair with TNT, which was a good idea but insurance didn't cover the lair because it was intentional damage.

Anyway, that was the sort of plan he usually came up with. He was pretty good at it, and nobody was sure if it was because of experience, training, or just raw talent. Whatever the reason, he was the master of secret spy plans. He was also good at keeping them secret. There was a time when a bad guy asked him what his plans were, and he didn't say them. Even after being threatened with torture, he still didn't say them. He would never reveal his plans to anyone, not even his direct superior at work in England, just in case his boss turned out to be a bad guy in disguise.

But yeah, he was studying. Specifically he was studying Spanish because his next mission was gonna be in Spain. They speak Spanish in Spain, you know. The language was even named after the country, that's why "Spanish" and "Spain" are such similar words.

All of a sudden, he got up and stopped studying, because he suddenly got a phone call. He answered the phone and heard his boss yelling at him into the other end of the phone. It wasn't a cellphone, because those aren't secure enough for secret agents. Instead he uses a special landline phone with its own underground wiring that doesn't connect to the main phone system, so only one person, his boss at work in England, can call him on it for secret missions.

And then his boss said "James Bond, it is about time you came into work again because you've been studying all night and it's morning now and you're late," he said. James was concerned and he looked outside and it was light out. He wondered what time it was in America, they don't use regular time zones in England, they use a different one instead that we don't use.

When he was finished answering the phone call, he hung up his phone back onto the hook, and exited out of his house and into the spy car that he had in his backyard, which is where his garage was. He opened the garage door with the garage door opener inside his keychain (he was too paranoid to keep it in the car in case someone stole the car), and then drove away to work. When he got there his boss was very angry at him for being so late. He was like almost half an hour late, which is not acceptable on meetings day.

Every other Monday his spy company which is owned by England has its own meetings for all the 00 agents. This is where they plan out who has what jobs, and take inventory of all the agents who are back from previous secret missions across the world, and who is dead and needs to be replaced. The meetings are at 8 in the morning sharp, and they only last 20 minutes (sometimes a little longer if someone brings donuts because they can't talk and eat at the same time), which meant that he missed the whole thing.

"Great Jove!" he shouted silently in his mind. The last thing he wanted to do was swear at his boss while he was being chewed out.

"Well," responded the boss, "you snooze, you lose. Since you weren't on time for the meeting, you got the last pick of available missions."

James thought for a minute about it and then said, "but I already got a mission at the last meeting. I was still researching for it, that's why I was learning Spanish. Don't I keep that one until it's done or I stop being alive to finish it?"

His boss thought long and hard about his words. After about 46 seconds he answered James by saying, "You are right and this also means you didn't need to be at the meeting anyway. But you still should not be late for work on meeting day because someone brought donuts and now they're all gone. You snooze, you lose."

James was sad and a little bit disappointed, but he trucked through it. Then he walked over to his desk which was made of mahogany. All the 00 agents get mahogany desks. The best agents get to keep them. The worst agents die in the field. James Bond was one of the best agents. In fact, he was the very best agent. So good that he'd had his desk for more movies than I can count. When he got to his desk he booted up his computer, but it turned out he didn't need to because he left it on yesterday, so he didn't boot it up.

At his computer he remembered that he didn't sleep all night because he was studying. That made him tired. He couldn't even get the sugar rush from a donut to wake him up. And since he rushed out the door, he also didn't have tea before he left (they don't drink coffee in England). So he almost thudded his head on his desk. It's a good thing he didn't, because he remembered that he had to stay awake to do his job.

Since he studied Spanish all night, he was ready to go to Spain and start his mission. So once his computer was finished booting up, he logged onto a travel website and ordered two plane tickets to Spain just in case he needed a second one. He didn't order any tickets back, because he didn't know when the mission would be done and he didn't want to waste them if he needed to come back sooner or later than when the tickets were for. He would get a reprimand if that happened, the company doesn't like wasting money on plane tickets that the agents aren't even using.

He dialed his boss's extension on the phone on his desk. "I'm ready to go to Spain now," he said.

"Then get going," his boss also said.

On the way to the airport, he stopped and got gas (sometimes they call it petrol in England). He wanted to make sure his car was full of fuel when he got back, in case he needed to stop by anywhere else after his mission was done. And he got to the airport, and he boarded the plane. But before he got to the plane, he gave his boarding pass to the cashier.

She was a pretty cashier. She was blonde and she had good teeth. Her nametag said "Claire" and James wondered if that was her real name and hair color. So he asked her, "Does the nametag match your birth certificate?"

She giggled a little bit. "Yeah, it does. What a good question to ask, you are excellent at flirting with women. I'm sorry I can't board the plane with you because you are a really sexy man and I have a crush on secret agents because they are powerful and confident, but I have to stay here at my ticket booth to do my job where I don't let people into the plane without a boarding pass."

"It's fine," responded James. "You don't want to come with me anyway. I'm going on a secret spy mission. I can't tell you what it is, or where it is, but I can tell you it's dangerous. Certainly not a good place for such a sweet piece of candy like yourself." And with that, he departed.

The flight was a boring one. They only had one in-flight movie, and it was Snakes on a Plane. He didn't like action movies because he had enough action in real life and phony stunts just didn't do it for him. As it turned out, nobody on the whole flight wanted to watch the movie, for reasons that should be obvious so they don't need explained (it's because they were on a plane and it made them nervous).

But without a movie, he had nothing to do. He couldn't play Angry Birds because his phone had to be off during take-off and landing and also he didn't bring it. He would be getting another phone at the English embassy in Spain, one that worked on the cellular networks in Spain without roaming charges, one that his employer would supply for him. So he was content to take a nap. He needed one anyway, after staying up all night studying Spanish.

Suddenly, he woke up after having a bad dream. He had dreamed that it was time for his Spanish test and he forgot the whole language even though he spent all night cramming for it. In his dream, he was also naked. He tried to explain it all to his teacher, but the teacher was his boss in real life and just got angry and didn't share any donuts with him. Lucky for him, when he woke up it was just as the airplane was landing in Spain. He looked around out the window and he could tell he was in Madrid, the capital of Spain. Barcelona isn't the capital, you know.

He called a taxi over to take him to his hotel, and he rode in a taxi ride over to his hotel. Since he studied all night, his Spanish accent was perfect, and the driver had no idea he was from England. It was a good thing the taxi driver hadn't seen the movies or he would've known James looked just like Pierce Brosnan.

James got to his hotel, changed into his pajamas (I forgot to mention he picked up his luggage before he got in the taxi), and turned on the TV. It was a boring show he didn't care about, so he turned off the television and went to sleep.

Meanwhile in England, Claire was also nodding off. As her eyes closed, she held tight in her arms James' boarding pass, which said what airport he was heading to. She knew where he was.


	2. Meetings where James meets his contact

**Chapter 2: Meetings where James Bond meets his contact**

After however many hours he slept, James Bond finally woke up in the morning, and it was just in time for his shower, so that's what he did (took a shower). He sang a song in the shower but I won't quote the lyrics because they're copyrighted.

He finished getting ready for the day, putting on his nicest suit, brushing his teeth, and generally making himself look like the world's best billionaire playboy even though he wasn't and all his nice clothes and stuff was paid for by England. Then he decided to start his day by going to the local fancy bar and getting to know the locals in case any of them knew where the bad guy's secret lair was. He had a contact in the area but his contact was at work so he thought he'd maybe try to do some research on his own and scope out everyone he could.

When he got to a bar he ordered a martini, shaken instead of stirred. The bartender was a guy and James was straight so he didn't flirt with the bartender. He did hope to meet a cute waitress or something at the bar though. It's okay that he was drinking first thing in the morning because Spain is in a different timezone so it wasn't really all the way morning except in Spain.

He tried asking passersby where the bad guy's secret lair was, but none of them knew. They were regular civilians, after all. Most of them didn't even know there was a bad guy lurking in their town, let alone one with a secret lair, or one so evil that only the best-dressed secret agent in the whole world could defeat him. There were no mirrors in the bar, but James didn't need a mirror to know how sexy he looked in his suit. He was well aware that the only thing that could get more women to fall in love with him was to take off his shirt and show his manly, well-defined abs.

It was very important to him that he exercised on a regular basis. If you build yourself a six pack and then don't upkeep it, your abs will start to look like manboobs. That's what happened to a certain actor (I can't name him because of the rules about stories about real celebrities), and James certainly didn't want it to happen to himself. Every morning he had a strict regimen of a thousand pushups and a thousand pullups and a thousand sit-ups that usually took about half an hour. This particular morning, he had done it in the shower to save time (sorry I forgot to mention this earlier). He had to use the shower head as a pull up bar. It's a good thing he's in good shape because someone who weighs too much might accidentally break the shower doing that.

Then suddenly, he got a phone call on his cell phone (I forgot to mention this also, he got it at the embassy between the airport and his hotel) from his inside contact inside Barcelona, Spain. "It's me, Miguel," said the contact. "I'll be right there in about a minute or two."

James looked inconspicuous as he sat there alone at his table drinking another martini. Just for such an occasion, he'd brought a book that he put it on the other side of the table so it would look like he was waiting for someone, which he was. He really wanted to meet women, but now it was time for business so he couldn't have any cuties striking up a conversation now.

Then Miguel arrived about a minute or two after the phone call. James saw him enter from across the room and gestured for him to join him at the table he was sitting at. Miguel introduced himself:

"Hola. My name is Miguel, we met on the phone earlier when I called you to tell you I was ready to meet. Are we here to discuss the business of me telling you where the bad guy's secret lair is?" James nodded.

"It's nice to meet you and yes that's why we're here. But most importantly, what is the bad guy's name? My brief before this mission didn't know who he was, they said this was going to be one of those missions where I have to gather my own intel because the company I work for's regular intelligence guys weren't good enough to find this out on their own."

"His name is Giuseppe Jones," responded Miguel knowingly. "His secret lair is the hidden mansion behind the hill on the south end of town. You can't see it from the main road because there's a hill in the way, that's how nobody knows about it. The only way to get there is through a helicopter to land on his helipad. There's some landmines around it and the only way onto the property is through a dirt road with a security gate. You can't get in."

James pondered this for a minute before asking, "So how can I get in?"

Miguel got a look on his face that implied he thought James was being stupid as he said "I told you, you can't." Then James heard a sound under the table of a gun doing that clicking thing before you fire it. It was the sound of Miguel threatening James, because it turned out Miguel was a double agent who was secretly working for Giuseppe the whole time and he killed the intelligence guys which is how they didn't have proper intel and why a 00 agent needed to gather his own. "Now you have only two choices and both of them mean you will not continue investigating. Your first choice is that I kill you right now. Your second choice is that I poison your martini and you finish drinking it and die in ten minutes. I suggest the second choice because it's painless."

But James had other plans. All of a sudden, he did a karate chop with his own hand that was under the table next to the gun and he chopped Miguel's hand and the gun fell out of it and James picked it up and held it himself and pointed it at Miguel, still under the table. Nobody else could see what was going on because there was a table cloth in the way. To anyone else it just looked like two men on a date together (except James is straight) and Miguel might be? It doesn't really matter because this story isn't about Miguel's romantic endeavors. Anyway James did the same clicking thing with the gun and Miguel knew he was in trouble.

"Ai, hombre. You win this round. But don't be surprised if an evil swat team from Giuseppe and his bad guys raids into your hotel room tonight and defeats you in your sleep. You can kill me if you want, but if I die the pacemaker in my heart will send an alert to my boss that will tell him I'm dead just like the heart monitors in Batman on PS3 so you'll become a wanted fugitive of the Spanish underworld."

But James had other plans. Instead of killing Miguel, he didn't because it was a far too public place anyway and it would've blown his cover, so instead he decided to use a tranquilizer dart.

"I must take him to a heart surgeon that will remove the alert part of his pacemaker before he wakes up," thought James silently in his head. "I'm not gonna kill him either way but that way if he dies from some other reason like a shark attack or falling under a lawn mower they won't think it's me and come after me and ruin my plan." So he took Miguel to a heart surgeon and that was dealt with.

Meanwhile in London, England, Claire was having her day off because it was the weekend in England (I think England has the same weekends as here so let's say it was Saturday). She knew just what she would do. She caught a flight to Barcelona in Spain. She was lucky there was another flight to Barcelona, it would have costed more time and money to fly to Madrid and then take a taxi over to Barcelona where James was. Once she was there she got to her hotel and unpacked her stuff and took a shower (if this was a movie instead of a fanfiction it would be the part where they show her in the shower but only from the shoulders up so they can keep a PG-13 rating).

Little did anyone know who's room that her room was next to... (I'll give you a hint, his initials are J.T.B.)


	3. A Sneaking Mission

**Chapter 3: A Sneaking Mission**

After arriving back from the heart surgeon's office, James Bond arrived back at his hotel room and went to sleep.

The next morning, he woke up and got started. He remembered finding out in the previous chapter where the bad guy's lair was, so he decided to spend this chapter figuring out a plan to get into it. As I said in the first chapter, he's really good at coming up with spy plans, and this is definitely a spy plan.

The first thing he did was he drew a map of where Giuseppe was. I don't know how to embed pictures on this story, but it was basically a big square compound with walls around all the sides, and front gates around the front entrance from the dirt road behind the hill next to where it comes off from the main road just outside of town. In the center of the compound was the mansion, and on top of the mansion was a helipad. Behind it there was a garden where Giuseppe grew his vegetables.

Giuseppe Jones, who is the villain in this book, was really proud of his vegetable garden. He'd been growing it for maybe eleven years and nobody knew about it except for his own personal staff who were allowed inside the compound. He grew lots of different things there, like carrots and radishes and apples, which he used to make carrot, radish, and apple salad, his favorite dish. Sometimes he ate it with croutons, and sometimes without, but he always used a different kind of dressing.

As Giuseppe was harvesting veggies for his breakfast salad, James was busy drawing a rectangle on his map to represent the garden. It wasn't quite to scale, but it was close enough for this mission.

James had to decide whether to go in through the front gate or the helipad, either of which was the only way in, but he couldn't normally get in. He figured if he tried to drop in from a helicopter he would be spotted from the noise, so that way was a no-go. The last thing he wanted was to be killed in the air while parachuting down, or worse, being shot down while he was still in it and then it would explode and he would catch fire from the helicopter's gas tank before he died.

Since that idea was pretty much flushed down the drain by even the most basic of logic, and also since he didn't have a helicopter or pilot right now, he had no choice but to choose the other option: going in through the front gates. Unfortunately they were guarded by a lot of guards who were on orders to shoot him on sight, so that wasn't a choice either. The whole compound had a cement ground (it looked pretty but all the grass was astroturf) so he couldn't tunnel underneath. Eventually he decided the best course of action was to go around the back left corner, under the line of sight of the guard on the corner guard tower, and climb the fence.

This would be a sneaking mission, so he had to prepare accordingly.

Meanwhile, Claire went downstairs to the first floor of the hotel for a continental breakfast that was included with her room fee.

James grabbed all his gear from out of his luggage. This included some stuff that he would maybe use like a flashlight, a walkie talkie that connected straight to England to talk to his boss for important mission details, a fake passport in case he got caught so the bad guys wouldn't know who he was, and his trusty tranquilizer gun, and a knife for closer-quarters combat, and a few changes of clothes so that he could blend in with different surroundings like grass or concrete depending on what part of the compound he was in.

He got there and started his next phase of his mission.

His first step of sneaking in was to distract the foot guards so they wouldn't be where he was going to get in. So first he went to the back of the compound and knocked on the wall, and one of the guards was all "What was that noise?" and he called for backup. Once all of the guards arrived (except for the front gate ones and the watchtower ones who have to stay in their posts) he went to the right side and did the same thing. The guards all moved as a group to examine the sound while he hid behind the tree. By the way there's a forest around the compound so there's a lot of trees.

Finally he went back around the back to the back left corner of the compound, sneaking through the trees and wearing his green and brown camo so he wouldn't be seen. One guard saw him so James Bond had to shoot him with his tranquilizer gun and then drag him behind a tree where his comrades wouldn't notice him blacked out with a tranq dart in his neck. Then when James got there he climbed up the corner of the compound right under the guard tower. But uh-oh! There was barbed wire at the top of the wall! He didn't know it would be there because he forgot to draw it on his map before the mission. It was a rookie mistake and he berated himself mentally.

Fortunately James Bond also brought a wire cutter that I forgot to say in the list of stuff he brought so just as Claire was finishing her bagel he cut the barbed wire and made a gap in it on the wall and that's where he climbed up and over. It was lucky for him that there were no guards on the inside part of that wall but it wasn't really luck because they were still outside looking for the noise. He looked across the whole part of the compound and saw the garden and there was a basketball court next to it and also there was a shed next to it that would come in handy if he needed to hide.

He looked inside the shed to see if there was anything good there and found a sniper rifle. "That might be useful later in the mission," James wondered.

Next to the garden and the shed and the basketball court was a patio with a barbecue grill pit. It had a long history behind it, but James didn't know about that. The patio was connected to a sliding glass door that went inside. James looked above the sliding glass door and saw something that shocked him. "A security camera!?" he said out loud, but not too loud that anyone heard him. He was clearly not going to get in this way. But next to the door was a vent that led inside.

James Bond went all the way to the corner of the wall and then sidestepped, making sure to stay under the security camera and out of sight. There was nobody on the other side of the sliding glass door so he could go in that way, but it was locked so he had to take the vent instead. It was one of those big ventilation shafts like in the movies where a person can actually crawl through and fit, but just barely. He went in and found some rats and then there was a T-shaped intersection in the ventilation system. The rats went one way and he went the other but it was a dead end but at least there was some ammo there so he got it and turned around and went the same way as the rats did and that led to an exit out of the ventilation shaft.

It was a ceiling exit because he was in the basement floor so he took a ladder down out of the vent exit and then got a call on his walkie talkie from his boss. He answered it and his boss from London told him to be careful. "You got it, sir," said James Bond before he hung up. Then he went around in the basement until he found a door and the door led to the main floor of the house. He went up the stairs to the basement exit door and when he got there he went through it.

"Not so fast, Mr. Bond," said a voice on the other side of the door right after he opened it. He recognized that voice. The only person it could possibly be was Giuseppe Jones.

Meanwhile, it was now 9 in the morning and Claire had finished her coffee and gotten in her car and headed toward her destination, to find something out...


	4. Busted like the song

**Chapter 4: Busted like the song**

James Bond was not terrified by the gun that was pointed directly straight at his face, even though at such a close range Giuseppe was virtually guaranteed to get a headshot. Even the shotgun with the widest spread in the world can hit with 100% accuracy at only a few inches away. But he wasn't scared at all. He had a plan because he was the best secret agent in all of London and even the whole world.

"Aha, you must be Giuseppe Jones, the main bad guy who I am here to defeat," said James Bond in a casual voice that indicated he had the advantage even though he totally didn't because there was a gun pointed right at him and he couldn't draw a weapon without getting shot when he tried and he knew that. But he was playing mind games.

"That's right," replied Giuseppe, who was impressed that James recognized him since they had never met before. "And by the process of elimination, I can therefore deduce who you are."

But before Giuseppe had a chance to deduce, James took away the opportunity by introducing himself. "The name's Bond. James Tiberius Bond. And I am going to defeat you so hard that you can't possibly do any more evil things to anyone forever."

Giuseppe gave him the stink eye. Then he yelled out, "Guards! Seize him!"

James tried to escape. He would need to come back later because there were too many bad guys for him to defeat on his own. But he didn't escape because there were also too many bad guys for him to escape. They all grabbed him at once and then all of a sudden Giuseppe said "I know. I have an idea. Let's take him to the edge of the ocean and dump him underwater and drown him. We can attach canonballs to his feet so he won't be able to float or swim back up just like in Pirates of the Caribbean."

Then Giuseppe got a text message from his boss, who was the real king of the bad guys, and it said "Have you captured James Bond yet? We need him for our plan." That was when Giuseppe remembered he couldn't kill James Bond because they needed him for their plan. Also it turned out that Giuseppe wasn't the main bad guy, a fact James noticed when he saw Giuseppe Jones getting a text from the real main bad guy. James was tempted to blow them all up right now but he needed answers first, otherwise all his leads would go cold.

After a little while and some action scenes he was done defeating Giuseppe and all his henchmen so he was finally able to blow up Giuseppe's mansion and continue to the real main bad guy whose name was Miguel, who it turned out was not a henchman at all and this whole thing was just a ruse. Miguel had gone back to his own lair which was located on the top of the Gran Hotel Bali in Benedorm, Spain (I had to look this up). So James started driving there on a motorcycle.

When he arrived there to Benidorm, he had to take a break because he was hungry so he went to the fanciest restaurant in the whole city. He ordered some steak and some fish and some other fancy foods that rich secret agents eat and flirted with the waitress a little bit. After she gave him her number he decided it was time to go back onto the mission.

His first instinct was to blow up a rocket missle to the hotel but there were too many innocent civilians and tourists (some of the tourists were American) so his only option left was to take an elevator and deal with whoever he found when he got there to the top of the elevator.

So he got back on his motorcycle and drove toward the hotel and along the way he stopped to admire Playa de Levante. It was a beautiful beach. He thought about who might have been to this beach before. Maybe some famous celebrities, maybe some famous historical conquerors, and maybe even someone he knew. He was too attractive to a lot of women to get married but if he only had one woman who he was madly in love with he figured this beach would be a good place to bring her.

Then all of a sudden he decided to keep going and got going and started heading toward the hotel again. He spent too much time admiring the beach and now it was almost night so he needed to stop by another restaurant and eat dinner this time (before when he stopped at a restaurant it was for lunch). But this time he didn't go to the fanciest restaurant because it was out of the way and he really was in a hurry to get to the hotel so he could go to the top floor where Miguel's secret evil lair was.

Then he finally got there and went in the hotel and got on the elevator and went to the top and when he got there something was off. There was no secret bad guy lair there! Had Giuseppe tricked him? It was too late to go back to Giuseppe because he already killed him when he blew up the mansion. It would appear his mission had reached a dead end.

Then all of a sudden, when he least expected it, the other elevator door opened up. He hadn't pressed the elevator button so he knew that meant another person was coming up. And he looked inside the door to the other elevator and when he looked he could see that it was someone he knew inside: Claire.

"Hello there, sweetums," she said in her cutest voice that she could do, which was pretty cute, but not the cutest that James Bond had ever heard because he'd been all over the world and heard a lot of different women all with different kinds of voices.

"Claire! I thought I told you not to come with me!" shouted James Bond very loudly. But the walls were pretty thick so he didn't wake up anybody in any of the hotel rooms, besides, it wasn't bedtime yet so they were all still awake.

"Jamey-poo, I know the secret to getting to Miguel's lair," she cooed.

"You do? I am an important secret agent of England and since you are also an English citizen that means it's against the law if you know the answer and don't help me," responded James.

Claire wasn't lying, she really did know how to get in.

"First, you have to to the janitor's closet over there," she said as she pointed at a closet at the end of the hall with a sign that said "Maintenance" on it, except it said it in Spanish because they don't have English signs in Spain. "Then, under the mop bucket there's a secret floor switch, but even the janitor doesn't know about it because there's a rug in the way. So you have to move the rug and open the compartment and press the button and then go through the secret wall doorway that opens up behind the janitor closet, but hurry because the wall closes back up after ten seconds and if you take too long you will be crushed when you try to get through. Then you just have to climb the stairs and avoid the laser traps."

So James did all those things that she had just said. When he did, he got to the top and Claire also went with him because he trusted her now since she clearly knew answers so he figured she could protect herself. Meanwhile James was starting to regret not having killed Miguel when he had the chance in the second chapter.

When he opened the door at the top of the stairs, he heard a familiar clicking sound. It was the same gun that Miguel had before, and this time it was being pointed at him by Miguel but NOT hidden under a table where nobody could see it.

"Thank you for bringing him here for me to dispose of, my darling Claire," said Miguel.


End file.
